Gym Gremlins

Why are there so many weird people at the gym? It never fails. Every time I step through those doors, I find myself in some foreign land, surrounded by weirdos who looked like they crawled out of holes in the ground. Now I know you're thinking, "Didn't you praise weirdness in a previous post?" Yes. Yes I did. But I should have clarified . . . there are good weirdnesses and bad weirdnesses. Weirdness is ubiquitous, no doubt, but it takes a skilled mind to discern the difference.

Remember Doc Brown and Marty McFly? There was a guy the other day who looked like Doc Brown, working out his shoulders with free weights. He has this silvery, white explosive hair, he looks wiry and lanky, and wears multiple layers of sweats that he presumably cut into weird shapes with the same pair of scissors he used to murder people before storing them in his basement. Hey Doc Brown, why are you pumping so much iron? Shouldn't you be spending that time refining your flux capacitor, or building an electric conductor to attach to the clock tower so Marty can get back to 1985 and avoid being perved on by his nubile mother?

But last week, I saw the weirdest guy, hands down! To define his appearance doesn't do him any justice, but I'll make an attempt regardless. Let's start with his feet. Leather flip-flops. Then he had a pair of tight black biker shorts that went halfway down his thighs, adorned with neon-green stripes down the side. Into these shorts, he tucked his spaghetti strap-like tank top. I say spaghetti strap because there was virtually no fabric in the front or back. He had a strap over each shoulder, attached to a strap over his belly and a strap over his back, all tucked into his biker shorts. He must have been in his 50's because his pale mole-covered skin was worn and somewhat floppy and he was covered in a coat of coarse, nappy blonde hair. He sported a blonde moustache that curled around his mouth to make a quasi beard. But his hair was the weirdest part. I must have done 10 takes at his hair because I wasn't sure if it was fake or not. I realized after awhile that it couldn't have been fake, because nobody would ever pick out a wig like that. His hair looked naturally reddish-blonde, but the top layer was dyed...get this....CARROT ORANGE. We're talking baby carrots too. Regular carrots have a more earthy orange color, partly because their just dirty, but baby carrots have a bright orange color. And such was the color of his hair. He also had a BOWL CUT. Rembmer how cool those used to be?? On kids?? It literally looked like he cut a bunch of hay, glued it to his head, beat up a bunch of carrots in a Magic Bullet, and poured it over the top. Even worse was the back region leading to his neck. On bowl cuts, this part was supposed to be shaved. His hair here was definitely shorter, but it looked like he tried to cut it himself without a mirror. Parts were longer than others, you could see a "shingle" effect, and the end result looked like he slept on a weed wacker. He had a red flip phone that he was charging at the gym, and between each set, he'd pick up the phone, dial someone, and talk about the importance of education as loud as he could. WTF??? When I passed by him, his body odor was so severe, it hurt to breathe through my nose.

That man, whom I call "Fry Kid," is probably a severe example, but why are there so many gremlins at the gym? It makes me never want to work out. Especially when I look at the guys who look like they're training to try out for the Packers. What are you training so hard for? Accounting? Selling insurance? Typing on your keyboard? Picking your butt? Make sure your pecs and abs are hard enough first.