Chances are, if you’re one of the millions of people who enjoy Bon Jovi’s excrutiatingly boring melodies and their exhaustive, trite lyrics, you suck too. The question really comes down to “When was Bon Jovi ever good?” If your answer is “Living on a Prayer,” you’re wrong. It isn’t a trick question folks. They’ve sucked since the dawn of civilization.
With lyrics like “I was a gypsy lost in the twilight zone, I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold” it’s no wonder I want to projectile vomit into the faces of the mindless parrots who violently shake their bodies and recite the lyrics word for word with pure satisfaction. With lines like “It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, its alright” incessantly power-drilled into my head without invitation, it’s no wonder I want to punch all those fluffy 40 year olds for writing such a demonic song. 4 chords of repetitive nonsense.
But then again, if you’re among the group of bandwagon sellouts who actually admit to liking Bon Jovi, you probably watch American Idol on a regular basis, and you most likely believe that Bono is next in line to God. I have a few retorts to this. And yes. . . I said retorts.
American Idol sucks. You know what really sucks? The three judges and the rest of the cast who somehow unanimously decide what a “rockstar” and “rockstar image” should be. By adding some lipstick and mousse to these supposed hard-knock, “grungy” contestants, American Idol has somehow watered down the original version of a naturally dirty, drug munching, guitar freak into some sort of pretty boy singer, who happens to have an inclination for flavored energy drinks and wears “retro grunge” clothes from Express. Give me a break. You were never a rockstar and you still aren’t. In fact, I’d say you’ve moved in the opposite direction, and I still think you’re a pumpbag.
So now you’ve checked off Bon Jovi and American Idol. What next? Ah yes. U2. Who could forget? With their fair share of albums and hits over the years, U2 has managed to grasp its listeners by the neck and permanently retain them in a hypnotic-induced chokehold. Have you ever noticed how a U2 listener will go to any extent just shy of murdering you to convince you that U2 is “the best band ever!!!”??
It isn’t that U2 isn’t good. I own the Joshua Tree album, and I enjoy it from time to time. But it doesn’t mean I lick the CD every night before bed. And it certainly doesn’t mean I have to enjoy their most recent albums, simply because I enjoyed the first one. The truth is, I don’t. Their image to me NOW. . .is nothing more than black silhouettes having seizures against a neon background.
And Bono isn’t God folks. I know that might be a surprise to Christians. I heard there is a church out there that only plays U2 songs. You have got to be kidding me.
Grow a brain. Enlighten yourself. Realize that you’re a moron.
Perhaps it is my senility that accompanies my old age; granpappys were never known for “having it all together.” So yes, maybe I’m a little over-critical. But I can tell you this: Someday, you will be an old man or woman (assuming you live that long). And when you do, you will hopefully gain some degree of wisdom. And if that happens, you will look back on your life and realize that listening to a band sing about hijacking rainbows and slapping leprechauns never really was cool. Ok. Maybe the slapping leprechauns part is cool.
Maybe then you will realize that Bono is just a human like you. And maybe you will realize that all that time spent worshipping U2 because of their epic 4 chord songs and delayed guitar, could have been better spent worshipping something you actually originally claimed you believed in.
That’s all from the rickety desk in my mothball-smelling den,
Grandpa C
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
The 4 Laws of Hobodynamics
During an intense Easter Egg Hunt with LibertariaChaun, we forumulated an elaborate set of laws which accurately describe the dynamics of hobos. The complex mathematical equations involved within these laws construct the intricate framework that serves as a foundation for these rules; ultimately, they quantize into general laws, thus rendering the broad definitions below.
There are 4 basic definitions within the Laws of Hobodynamics:
1st Law of Hobodynamics:
"Hobos like candy."
Essentially, this means that hobos will often sacrifice other indulgences, simply for some sweet satisfaction.
2nd Law of Hobodynamics:
"Hobos love scavenger hunts."
If you construct a scavenger hunt, a hobo will more than likely partake in it. Why? Because the hobo likes scavenger hunts.
3rd Law of Hobodynamics:
"Hobos love scavenger hunts involving candy."
This is ultimately an "or" statement, meaning that the candy itself or the scavenger hunt itself needn't necessarily include the other, as the hobo will indulge in either the candy OR the scavenger hunt. However, if the scavenger hunt involves candy, you will increase the chances of a hobo's participation.
4th Law of Hobodynamics:
"If the scavenger hunt involves a means to an end, and the end is candy, the hobo would rather skip the means and have the end."
At first, this may seem contradictory to the 3rd law, but in actuality it is quite different. Some scavenger hunts simply involve one hidden object, which is actually the end (or candy if you will). In this case, it is the hobo's general goal to find that object, the end, to result in complete satisfaction.
However, if the scavenger hunt involves a means to an end rather than just a 1 step process, the hobo would prefer to skip the protocol and head straight to the end. For example, some scavenger hunts involve hidden clues that, when found, instruct the scavenger to locate more clues. This series/chain of events is a prolonged process one must endure in order to reach the prize at the end. If a hobo is presented with this type of scavenger hunt, the hobo will often scrap the clues and look for the candy instead.
There are 4 basic definitions within the Laws of Hobodynamics:
1st Law of Hobodynamics:
"Hobos like candy."
Essentially, this means that hobos will often sacrifice other indulgences, simply for some sweet satisfaction.
2nd Law of Hobodynamics:
"Hobos love scavenger hunts."
If you construct a scavenger hunt, a hobo will more than likely partake in it. Why? Because the hobo likes scavenger hunts.
3rd Law of Hobodynamics:
"Hobos love scavenger hunts involving candy."
This is ultimately an "or" statement, meaning that the candy itself or the scavenger hunt itself needn't necessarily include the other, as the hobo will indulge in either the candy OR the scavenger hunt. However, if the scavenger hunt involves candy, you will increase the chances of a hobo's participation.
4th Law of Hobodynamics:
"If the scavenger hunt involves a means to an end, and the end is candy, the hobo would rather skip the means and have the end."
At first, this may seem contradictory to the 3rd law, but in actuality it is quite different. Some scavenger hunts simply involve one hidden object, which is actually the end (or candy if you will). In this case, it is the hobo's general goal to find that object, the end, to result in complete satisfaction.
However, if the scavenger hunt involves a means to an end rather than just a 1 step process, the hobo would prefer to skip the protocol and head straight to the end. For example, some scavenger hunts involve hidden clues that, when found, instruct the scavenger to locate more clues. This series/chain of events is a prolonged process one must endure in order to reach the prize at the end. If a hobo is presented with this type of scavenger hunt, the hobo will often scrap the clues and look for the candy instead.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Fudge, Pudge, Smudge, Dog
Slurpies of herpes make gross tasting treats
Pockets of rockets make human legs meats
Flies in your pies give poop its black dots
Corn in your horn makes tuba buckshots
Trees in your knees makes a bloody patella
Whips in green blips are known as flagella
Knives in beehives makes red, bumpy skin
Dreidels in cradles makes a baby's eyes spin
Superfluous Nerf-Lewis buys more foam darts
For rectum injection, concealing his farts
A shoddy, soft body is something Joe likes
But bar-style argyles are for boys who ride trikes
Pork roast is forked most by chubby old men
Suits with snow boots is a hot, sexy trend
Carrots and ferrets, Trent puts in his pitas
With beans and cat spleens, for tasty fajitas
Meatloaf would beat both the black and white keys
Crooning and spooning men in his undies
Mr. Miyagi drinks saki till dawn
While Daniel-san hand sands and learns to wax on
Emo likes Scream-o in Brownie, so soft
His brown town goes downtown, that’s why he’s the prof
Chowder and powder piles in the white bowl
Will Papa please stoppa consuming the Skoal?
A refill at Green Mill in beer mugs to go,
Serves Wily, all smiley, cause he runs the show
The outlandish Spanish of monorail doors
Warns Disney fans “watch your hands!” with much “Por favors”
The Cali crew’s ballyhoos win customers
Absurd names and word games to sell their Hummers
Scurvy makes curvy bumps all over gums
Flute playing, toot spraying band geeks need Tums
In ship-shape, we lift weights with Peter Dante
Then Great Mex to make pecs all nice and grande
A slappity-clappity sound does it make
When biscuits from triscuits doth try to escape
Hippos will rip those oblivious men
Who retreat with raw meat and cluck like a hen
A Nebula medulla oblongata
Is dusty and crusty like old ricotta
The end, to amend this weird twist of rhymes
Pacifico, if cold, is best with some limes
-Grandpa
Pockets of rockets make human legs meats
Flies in your pies give poop its black dots
Corn in your horn makes tuba buckshots
Trees in your knees makes a bloody patella
Whips in green blips are known as flagella
Knives in beehives makes red, bumpy skin
Dreidels in cradles makes a baby's eyes spin
Superfluous Nerf-Lewis buys more foam darts
For rectum injection, concealing his farts
A shoddy, soft body is something Joe likes
But bar-style argyles are for boys who ride trikes
Pork roast is forked most by chubby old men
Suits with snow boots is a hot, sexy trend
Carrots and ferrets, Trent puts in his pitas
With beans and cat spleens, for tasty fajitas
Meatloaf would beat both the black and white keys
Crooning and spooning men in his undies
Mr. Miyagi drinks saki till dawn
While Daniel-san hand sands and learns to wax on
Emo likes Scream-o in Brownie, so soft
His brown town goes downtown, that’s why he’s the prof
Chowder and powder piles in the white bowl
Will Papa please stoppa consuming the Skoal?
A refill at Green Mill in beer mugs to go,
Serves Wily, all smiley, cause he runs the show
The outlandish Spanish of monorail doors
Warns Disney fans “watch your hands!” with much “Por favors”
The Cali crew’s ballyhoos win customers
Absurd names and word games to sell their Hummers
Scurvy makes curvy bumps all over gums
Flute playing, toot spraying band geeks need Tums
In ship-shape, we lift weights with Peter Dante
Then Great Mex to make pecs all nice and grande
A slappity-clappity sound does it make
When biscuits from triscuits doth try to escape
Hippos will rip those oblivious men
Who retreat with raw meat and cluck like a hen
A Nebula medulla oblongata
Is dusty and crusty like old ricotta
The end, to amend this weird twist of rhymes
Pacifico, if cold, is best with some limes
-Grandpa
Microsoft Office
Around 2003, Microsoft released an updated version of it's office package, MS Office Pro 2003. Here's a quick Microsoft statement on the update.
Microsoft Office Professional Edition 2003 can help you and your organization communicate information with immediacy and impact. New and familiar programs and improved functionality help you build powerful connections between people, information, and business processes.
What they didn't say is this.
Despite our best efforts, we at Microsoft will be the first to tell you that although these programs are over a decade old, are built to be easy to use, and are in essentially every household in this country with a computer, your coworkers will not be able to run them effectively, if at all. What will drive you the most crazy, however, is that your coworkers will never understand that they can actually try and fail a few times to figure things out instead of endlessly bothering the crap out of you to remove a border from a text box. What they simply won't get is that moving their mouse over the top menu bar actually allows them to see different menu items that can perform different functions within the program... what they'll probably do is come to you and ask you how to do it... even how to change a font color, or how to change the size of an image... and you'll Love it!!! In fact, you'll quite often spend half your day helping people do mundane tasks within Microsoft office that a freaking trained monkey could do blindfolded.
powqiejf lkjas e;flkjwaef w4j; lgi3e4b;laker; bglkzjdbf
Microsoft Office Professional Edition 2003 can help you and your organization communicate information with immediacy and impact. New and familiar programs and improved functionality help you build powerful connections between people, information, and business processes.
What they didn't say is this.
Despite our best efforts, we at Microsoft will be the first to tell you that although these programs are over a decade old, are built to be easy to use, and are in essentially every household in this country with a computer, your coworkers will not be able to run them effectively, if at all. What will drive you the most crazy, however, is that your coworkers will never understand that they can actually try and fail a few times to figure things out instead of endlessly bothering the crap out of you to remove a border from a text box. What they simply won't get is that moving their mouse over the top menu bar actually allows them to see different menu items that can perform different functions within the program... what they'll probably do is come to you and ask you how to do it... even how to change a font color, or how to change the size of an image... and you'll Love it!!! In fact, you'll quite often spend half your day helping people do mundane tasks within Microsoft office that a freaking trained monkey could do blindfolded.
powqiejf lkjas e;flkjwaef w4j; lgi3e4b;laker; bglkzjdbf
The Chaunsons Love the Office
Quote of the day, Chaunsons Style.
Also, The Chaunsons would like to say a very special Happy Birthday to Karen today. Hope the Bahamas are great!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Dunce Cakes of our Family
Dear Diary,
I read the entry below a few days ago, and I wasn't sure what to think. Initially, its severely retarded approach to grammar and extremely bizarre content left me feeling violated; it was as if a hacker had somehow found their way into our blogspot. Surely, this could not be one of my children, as they are all well educated and versed in their use of the English language. . . .Right? And don't call me Shirley.
Lo and behold, "the BUNT cakes of our family" was written by the infamous Bike Seat Sniffer.
I capitalized BUNT because this BUNT represents BUNTing in baseball. Yes that's right. Baseball. You BUNT in baseball.
A BUNDT cake is a completely different concept, and spelling. Why do I know that? I'm not sure. Think it makes me sound fruity? Well, don't confront me. Confront the individual who had the audacity to use a baking term, AND spell it wrong.
Perhaps I'm being too harsh about this misspelling. However, after thinking about it, Bike Seat Sniffer Chaun thought he was so clever by finding and replacing words in an entry that originally took some thought and care to compose; he merely altered it and thought he had accomplished some sneaky, grand feat! That's like someone with 4 legs who decides to run the HALF marathon rather than the full marathon. . .congrats buddy. . .You beat everyone in an abbreviated race with 4 LEGS.
To top it off, the grammar was horrendous, rendering this entry, for the most part, nothing more than a part plagarized, part piece of garbage.
Hey Bike Seat Sniffer. . .here's a suggestion. Why don't you actually write an entry on your own? Why not write about things you actually know? Instead of writing about BUNDT cakes, why don't you write an entry describing how you go about sniffing bike seats in public venues, despite the scrutiny of the hidden cameras? Why don't you describe to us how you perform your perverted, disgusting acts in public locations, including fast food bathrooms?
I read the entry below a few days ago, and I wasn't sure what to think. Initially, its severely retarded approach to grammar and extremely bizarre content left me feeling violated; it was as if a hacker had somehow found their way into our blogspot. Surely, this could not be one of my children, as they are all well educated and versed in their use of the English language. . . .Right? And don't call me Shirley.
Lo and behold, "the BUNT cakes of our family" was written by the infamous Bike Seat Sniffer.
I capitalized BUNT because this BUNT represents BUNTing in baseball. Yes that's right. Baseball. You BUNT in baseball.
A BUNDT cake is a completely different concept, and spelling. Why do I know that? I'm not sure. Think it makes me sound fruity? Well, don't confront me. Confront the individual who had the audacity to use a baking term, AND spell it wrong.
Perhaps I'm being too harsh about this misspelling. However, after thinking about it, Bike Seat Sniffer Chaun thought he was so clever by finding and replacing words in an entry that originally took some thought and care to compose; he merely altered it and thought he had accomplished some sneaky, grand feat! That's like someone with 4 legs who decides to run the HALF marathon rather than the full marathon. . .congrats buddy. . .You beat everyone in an abbreviated race with 4 LEGS.
To top it off, the grammar was horrendous, rendering this entry, for the most part, nothing more than a part plagarized, part piece of garbage.
Hey Bike Seat Sniffer. . .here's a suggestion. Why don't you actually write an entry on your own? Why not write about things you actually know? Instead of writing about BUNDT cakes, why don't you write an entry describing how you go about sniffing bike seats in public venues, despite the scrutiny of the hidden cameras? Why don't you describe to us how you perform your perverted, disgusting acts in public locations, including fast food bathrooms?
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The bunt cakes of Our Family
Dear Children,
Ahhh. . .so good to hear from you scoundrels. It is like the feeling of a cold blast of well water hitting the tongue on a hot summer day. It is like the feeling of unloading a massive whitehead on your forehead right in the middle of leaving for school.
Papa C, so sorry to hear about Essentials; I will be experiencing the wrath of Turtle Man tomorrow when I attempt to be honored to cancel everyone’s membership, only to hear the timberwolf spout into my diary complete nonsense. Wily C, glad to see you're as crazy as ever. . .let's anihilate the bleez knees going.
To the rest of everyone’s family who haven't responded, you scoundrels would be honored to lick the sweat from everyone’s crack.
Today, while at work, I was pondering the morose idiosyncracies among our kind; reassuring glances spawned from a strangely stinto my diary man who stood above a urinal, purposely urinating into the stinky cup of water. Is reassuring glances common? Do any of you scoundrels do it?
I figure, and maybe it's because of everyone’s height, crusty flavored bean cakes it's completely normal to pee against the wall of the urinal. First of all, it doesn't create much noise, and second, it prevents splashing. The last thing I want when I'm draining is a bunch of it splashing back at me. Pee goes into my diary and stays into my diary, that's what I say. (Unless you scoundrels happen to be Bear Grylls. . .then you scoundrels soak shirts in pee and wrap them around your head. . .all while occasionally enjoying a tasty sip). . .
This brings another question. If you scoundrels had to drink a bottle of urine, would you scoundrels rather have it cold or warm? Reassuring glances question baffles me. Normally, bunny’s types of decisions don't require much thought. . .brews are good cold, coffee hot, women hot. But pee? I'm not too old to drool. . . .I guess if I had to decide, I'd probably prefer it warm than cold. . .the thought of tipping back a cold bottle of pee makes the last man in line at the deli shudder.
Well, that's enough for today's musings. If any of you scoundrels other Chaunson’s would care to write something, I would greatly appreciate it. . .it's not like you scoundrels have anything better to do. . .I mean, you scoundrels would be honored to lie to us and say you scoundrels do, but we all surmise while pooping you're as worthless as the next piece of garbage next to you scoundrels. How about into my diary I shove everyone’s foot in your anal cavity?
Grandpa C
Ahhh. . .so good to hear from you scoundrels. It is like the feeling of a cold blast of well water hitting the tongue on a hot summer day. It is like the feeling of unloading a massive whitehead on your forehead right in the middle of leaving for school.
Papa C, so sorry to hear about Essentials; I will be experiencing the wrath of Turtle Man tomorrow when I attempt to be honored to cancel everyone’s membership, only to hear the timberwolf spout into my diary complete nonsense. Wily C, glad to see you're as crazy as ever. . .let's anihilate the bleez knees going.
To the rest of everyone’s family who haven't responded, you scoundrels would be honored to lick the sweat from everyone’s crack.
Today, while at work, I was pondering the morose idiosyncracies among our kind; reassuring glances spawned from a strangely stinto my diary man who stood above a urinal, purposely urinating into the stinky cup of water. Is reassuring glances common? Do any of you scoundrels do it?
I figure, and maybe it's because of everyone’s height, crusty flavored bean cakes it's completely normal to pee against the wall of the urinal. First of all, it doesn't create much noise, and second, it prevents splashing. The last thing I want when I'm draining is a bunch of it splashing back at me. Pee goes into my diary and stays into my diary, that's what I say. (Unless you scoundrels happen to be Bear Grylls. . .then you scoundrels soak shirts in pee and wrap them around your head. . .all while occasionally enjoying a tasty sip). . .
This brings another question. If you scoundrels had to drink a bottle of urine, would you scoundrels rather have it cold or warm? Reassuring glances question baffles me. Normally, bunny’s types of decisions don't require much thought. . .brews are good cold, coffee hot, women hot. But pee? I'm not too old to drool. . . .I guess if I had to decide, I'd probably prefer it warm than cold. . .the thought of tipping back a cold bottle of pee makes the last man in line at the deli shudder.
Well, that's enough for today's musings. If any of you scoundrels other Chaunson’s would care to write something, I would greatly appreciate it. . .it's not like you scoundrels have anything better to do. . .I mean, you scoundrels would be honored to lie to us and say you scoundrels do, but we all surmise while pooping you're as worthless as the next piece of garbage next to you scoundrels. How about into my diary I shove everyone’s foot in your anal cavity?
Grandpa C
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