Bon Jovi Sucks

Chances are, if you’re one of the millions of people who enjoy Bon Jovi’s excrutiatingly boring melodies and their exhaustive, trite lyrics, you suck too. The question really comes down to “When was Bon Jovi ever good?” If your answer is “Living on a Prayer,” you’re wrong. It isn’t a trick question folks. They’ve sucked since the dawn of civilization.

With lyrics like “I was a gypsy lost in the twilight zone, I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold” it’s no wonder I want to projectile vomit into the faces of the mindless parrots who violently shake their bodies and recite the lyrics word for word with pure satisfaction. With lines like “It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, its alright” incessantly power-drilled into my head without invitation, it’s no wonder I want to punch all those fluffy 40 year olds for writing such a demonic song. 4 chords of repetitive nonsense.

But then again, if you’re among the group of bandwagon sellouts who actually admit to liking Bon Jovi, you probably watch American Idol on a regular basis, and you most likely believe that Bono is next in line to God. I have a few retorts to this. And yes. . . I said retorts.

American Idol sucks. You know what really sucks? The three judges and the rest of the cast who somehow unanimously decide what a “rockstar” and “rockstar image” should be. By adding some lipstick and mousse to these supposed hard-knock, “grungy” contestants, American Idol has somehow watered down the original version of a naturally dirty, drug munching, guitar freak into some sort of pretty boy singer, who happens to have an inclination for flavored energy drinks and wears “retro grunge” clothes from Express. Give me a break. You were never a rockstar and you still aren’t. In fact, I’d say you’ve moved in the opposite direction, and I still think you’re a pumpbag.

So now you’ve checked off Bon Jovi and American Idol. What next? Ah yes. U2. Who could forget? With their fair share of albums and hits over the years, U2 has managed to grasp its listeners by the neck and permanently retain them in a hypnotic-induced chokehold. Have you ever noticed how a U2 listener will go to any extent just shy of murdering you to convince you that U2 is “the best band ever!!!”??

It isn’t that U2 isn’t good. I own the Joshua Tree album, and I enjoy it from time to time. But it doesn’t mean I lick the CD every night before bed. And it certainly doesn’t mean I have to enjoy their most recent albums, simply because I enjoyed the first one. The truth is, I don’t. Their image to me NOW. . .is nothing more than black silhouettes having seizures against a neon background.

And Bono isn’t God folks. I know that might be a surprise to Christians. I heard there is a church out there that only plays U2 songs. You have got to be kidding me.

Grow a brain. Enlighten yourself. Realize that you’re a moron.

Perhaps it is my senility that accompanies my old age; granpappys were never known for “having it all together.” So yes, maybe I’m a little over-critical. But I can tell you this: Someday, you will be an old man or woman (assuming you live that long). And when you do, you will hopefully gain some degree of wisdom. And if that happens, you will look back on your life and realize that listening to a band sing about hijacking rainbows and slapping leprechauns never really was cool. Ok. Maybe the slapping leprechauns part is cool.

Maybe then you will realize that Bono is just a human like you. And maybe you will realize that all that time spent worshipping U2 because of their epic 4 chord songs and delayed guitar, could have been better spent worshipping something you actually originally claimed you believed in.

That’s all from the rickety desk in my mothball-smelling den,

Grandpa C