My Tears Floweth from Despair and Onions

Dear Diary,

I cried again today. I am lonely. And I thought about my once-praised onion essay.


So Joe told me the other day he didn't understand why Will Ferrell said "I am a human onion" in Blades of Glory. Initially, I dismissed this question because Joe is Baby Chaunce and there are a lot of things he doesn't understand. He's like an emerging fetus, opening his eyes to real world for the first time. But for reasons unbeknownst to me, his question lingered in my mind long after the question was posed, and it is still bothering me to this day. I'd like your input gentlemen. Here's what I've come up with so far.

Will Ferrell (Who we will refer to as Chaz Michael Michaels) means he is actually an onion, but in human form. By this, I don't mean he has discreet human and onion parts, but that he is a human composed of onion like material. Instead of skin cells, he has onion cells. Essentially, his skin is layer upon layer of onion that has the potential to peel. However, because he is a self-sustaining homosapien, he constantly regenerates layers of onion-flesh, so he never peels to the core. I think, however, if he were to have onionskin, all other tissues of his body would have to be derivations of onion tissue as well. Maybe his heart tissue would actually be composed of tomato tissue. . .but of course, it would still have the properties and capabilities of a heart.

Another option is that Chaz's body is divided into discreet onion and human parts. I imagine he'd probably retain the human body, but his head would be an onion. Can you imagine how weird that would be? What if your head was actually an onion? Onions are pretty boring to be honest, but they serve such a diverse spectrum of purposes. A couple issues this might create: First of all, if the entire matter in and of your head was onion, you'd have no brain. Therefore, you'd never know you were an onion-headed human. This probably wouldn't be so bad if you think about it (with your human brain of course), because you'd never know that your life sucked so bad. . .plus you wouldn't be able to smell your own stankiness of a head. The much larger problem that exists in this scenario, however, is the fact that you'd never be aware of when people were trying to cut pieces out of your head for their omelettes and their pasta dishes. Think about that for a second. If you were reknown around the world as the onion-headed human, people would be hunting you down to get some slices of your head. You'd be a manhead-sized source for delicious entrees and romantic dinners. Ultimately what it all boils down to is the fact that you do not have regenerative tissue for your head, and you'd eventually amount to nothing more than a headless human. What would your neck be? A stalk? I imagine it would be hard picking up chicks without a head.

Maybe Chaz means that, metaphorically, he is an onion. His life is nothing more than a stagnant, seemingly lifeless form, sitting in dirt. Eventually he will be used for the greater good, but all he can do is sit there and wait to be ripe for the picking. Then he will be consumed without much of a thanks (because he is only a flavor enhancer), and eventually will be digested and shot back out into the earth where he will be broken down into simple molecular compounds. Essentially what he's saying here is that his life is pathetic and a complete waste of space.

Or the last possibility is that he is a human, but has the most notorious characterstics of an onion (the odiferous ones). Think about puking in a wizard's costume after drinking a bottle of Morgan and presumably eating a plate of seafood ahead of time. Now consider the fact that the evil wizard costume is properties of a disgusting, yet aptly named organization "Grublets on Ice." This name itself suggests the fact that dirty people have worked there before, including the sweaty, hairy, bacteria infested washouts who previously inhabited that costume. The smell of that alone would be enough to make one vomit. Combine that with seafood, a bottle of Morgan, chunky barf, and the fact that Ferrell looks like he hasn't showered in a decade, and I could imagine why he would publicly declare a comparison between his body odor and that of an onion. Excuse me while I remove the bile driblets from my sweater vest.