Response to Grandpa & an Essential Rant

Now you can understand why I’m so fired up to provide Grandpa Chaun/Giant Human an outlet to the outside world. I mean, 3 of his children live with him and he’s out on the sidewalk, fallen, throwing whittled sticks at helpless squirrels, screaming for his children to come visit him, mumbling about the Oregon trail… my neighbors called the other day to say that some crazy giant man was cooking squirrel over open fire in the back yard… this is not normal… and you must know all of it.

Last night I visited Essentials/"the gym that was sweet until someone had the great idea to move it."



It was my first visit since the “good for business” move… and I was less than impressed. Where a once proud, intimate gym experience existed, now exists a fallen, slightly grungy “bigger” facility that exists under a for lease sign, inside a chain linked gated property, on a one way street, with the worst stop light possible leading out to Hwy 55 and I94 (see map). It’s impossible to get to, a dangerous drive from 3120, and once you’re there, you’re working out in a sea of misery. Bad lighting abounds, along with zero, wait, yep, zero mirrors in the workout section. I guess the view isn’t bad, if you like looking out at Olson Memorial Parkway and the remains of a once booming industrial part of town (Use your imagination, the view sucks). The wonderful people of essentials again did not feel that toilets are a good part of a locker room, and although everything is pretty new, it just feels old. The water cooler is gone, replaced by a water fountain that wasn’t functioning that day. When you finally get there, you’ll work out with zombies who look like they’re just riding out their bad contracts until they can join another gym… oh, and the radio is tuned to jack FM, so you have to hear crappy music and commercials while you work out…One of the best parts of Essentials, Bolo and Amara weren’t even there. Weren’t they always training people around 5:00 at the old place? Where are their clients?

Our boy tried telling me that they’d signed on 250 new people to new contracts… yeah right, I’m sure people just drive by that place and want to join a gym there… not in a million years.

I have to say that I feel bad writing all of this, because Essentials has been a big part of my, and 3 or 4 other chaunsons’ lives for the past year plus. I love Amara, I love Bolo, and I loved the old essentials to the core. That’s why I recommended it to whoever asked. But the new Essentials? I just don’t get it. Why take something that is so good and mess with it? To grow a couple hundred people? To take a little bit off your overhead? Ridiculous.

Anyway, here’s to the old essentials. And here’s to having the guy who signed us up add the words “after 9 months, ok to cancel without fee” to our contracts.

Papa